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5 Words to Derail an Orgasm

“I want you to come.”

Originally published on Sexography, Medium

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Have you ever had a partner tell you that they’re holding off their orgasm so you can both come at the same time?

Disclaimer: I’m sure there are people who will take exception to this, but hearing these words in bed feels like having your flight cancelled when you’re already at the gate.


In her book, “Come as You Are: the surprising new science that will transform your sex life”, Sex Educator and best-selling author, Emily Nagoski, provides evidence to why this may happen through explaining our sexual brakes—otherwise known as our Sexual Inhibition System.


We may all have diverse turn-ons and turn-offs but among the list of things we “brake” for during sex is “fear of performance failure” or worrying about reaching orgasm. As Nagoski reminds her readers in various ways throughout the book, “…worry is the opposite of arousal”.

It’s generous to say you’d like to see your partner come, but sometimes putting that expectation out there adds a lot of pressure and almost guarantees the chances of them having a full orgasm are going downhill fast.

By expressing how you’d love to come at the same time as your partner, you may be intending to show that you want to put them first. However, if this is really your intention, please tune in to the body and person before you to help facilitate that. That way, you can both experience their orgasm and not just a stylized performance of it.

What does your partner do to pleasure themselves without the pressure of performing for another person? Go ahead, ask and honour the answer you receive.

There seems to be a pervading notion that a grand build-up to the finale equals a job well done. Perhaps it has come from the narrative arc that is presented to us in most porn. At their core purpose, the most accessible pornography videos are made to get people off. So, in trying to achieve that goal, they’re likely going to include a climactic rise to an explosive orgasm for all involved, and only require your attention for a solid ten minutes. Everyone’s got what they came for, you can go about your day now.

This goal-oriented formula in porn has seeped into our collective perception of sex. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not advocating for completely directionless sex, but as the famous cliché goes; it’s not about the destination, it’s about the journey.

People with vulvas may be quite familiar with navigating that delicate threshold of reaching orgasm where you’re charged up at 82% but require careful concentration and repetition to get you to 100%.

If we had a meter over our heads indicating how close we were to coming, you would know what’s going on inside your partner’s body. However, since we don’t have these indicators, we seem to decipher heavier breathing and fast movements as a sign that they’re about to erupt. That’s all hot and exciting, but some of us may vocally express our excitement a little too early and say things that achieve the opposite effect of what was intended.

Since we are humans with complex emotions and sex is a battlefield of the mind for many, the last thing anyone needs is the pressure of orgasming on command. There are tons of things you can say out loud that will sound equally sexy without derailing the big moment.

If there’s one thing (one of many things actually) that I can take away from queer sex, it’s that you don’t have to sail through the finish line arm in arm. Since there is less of a focus on assigning roles to genitalia—and how they fit together like mechanical parts—you really have to slow down and tap into what that person needs.

What is hotter than someone solely dedicating time in bed to figuring out your body and your mind?

Next time you’re getting it on and things seem like they’re really about to pop off, resist the urge to jump the gun and just let it happen. Your ability to be present with your partner will say more than those 5 words ever could.

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